And on it goes….

So yet another election night came and went last night. And once again Barack Obama failed to connect with racist voters. Watching CNN yesterday afternoon (never something I would advise doing) I saw an interview with a Kentucky voter who was asked, “If you could say one thing to Barack Obama what would that be?” To wit the Kentucky voter replied, “Get your act together. Don’t be so black.” Well there you have it folks. And then the political pundits continue to ask the question- why Barack Obama can’t connect with this low income white rural vote. I don’t know, just throwing this out there, but from what I’ve seen growing up in rural white America- uneducated rural white voters have….let’s call them “racist tendencies”. Do you know what it’s like to have a variation of the “I don’t care what they do in the privacy of their own home…” debate with someone who’s talking about race? I’ve literally had someone argue with me, “Yes I know their skin color isn’t a choice, but I’m talking about ‘being’ black.” So I would say there’s nothing that Obama can do about this. Eventually you come to realize that there is no reasoning with someone who’s trying to tell you 4 + 4 = banana.

But what people need to stop doing is arguing that Hillary is the better candidate because this voting block is the Democratic base. Urban voters are the Democratic base. African American voters are the Democratic base. Union voters are the democratic base. Unemployed or underemployed, uneducated or undereducated, rural white voters are the Republican base.

I shouldn’t turn on the television anymore. I shouldn’t listen to the pundits, and the political analysis because it’s so easy to see that there is something deeply wrong with this country. We’ve been badly broken, and we need a doctor. Doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor!

Doctor Who?

Ok- well this just went off the rails. Yeah- gonna watch me some Doctor Who. I think that’s the cure for what ails me.

Wolf Blitzer is a fucking Cyberman.

Foot-Crispies

Alright- this has gone unsaid for long enough. Those Ped-Egg commercials make my fucking skin crawl. Have you seen those? It’s a foot scraper. If I watch that little old lady dump her foot shavings in the waste basket one more time I’m going to vomit. It looks like she’s dumping out a cup of grated parmesan cheese into her dust bin. All I can picture is her lightly dusting her foot-crispies on top of my spaghetti. It doesn’t make me want to buy your product; it only alarms me that others do. What if that thing falls into the wrong hands!? It’s a cause for concern.

Been Awhile...

So it has certainly been a while since my last honest to gorsht post, but I’m working again- which means I’ve got an attack of the grumps and need to spew some of it on you my compatriots. If there are indeed any of you still out there who happen to wander over to this little corner of the internet I am both stunned and appreciative.

Now I just need to rant a bit about this season of America’s Top Political Idol. I know the Democratic nomination is wrapping up, and it’s odd to throw my two cents in at the last minute, but I was watching some cable news this morning as I was getting ready for work (I know I should really stop doing that) and there was a Hillary supporter saying that if she isn’t the nominee then she’s going to vote for John McCain in the general. Now I know the Hillary supporters have been saying that for a while now, but this was the first time I got to see one of their ignorant, indignant, little faces in HD essentially trying to threaten the rest of the party with a McCain presidency if they don’t nominate Hillary. These statements get under my skin and irritate me all damn day because really there are only two ways to interpret them, both of which piss me off. The first is merely as an idle threat from a dying campaign in it’s last days yelling to the sky or any Obama supporter who may be in ears reach. And to those of you out there who fall into this category fine, I myself in a drunken stooper at one point during this thing said I wouldn’t vote for Hillary come November if she were the nominee. That was a load of shit. In truth, I probably would have worked on her campaign had she been the nominee, but I was drunk and cranky- so those words did come out of my mouth.

But to the second camp; to those Hillary supporters who in fact are going to vote for John McCain in the fall- to those individuals I say- don’t vote. Why exactly did you want Hillary in the first place if you are going to vote for the person who is close to being her polar opposite on virtually every issue in the general? Substantively there are very few differences between Barack and Hillary. If you really wanted Hillary to be the next President it would make sense that come time for the general election you would vote for the person who closely embodies those same views. If you don’t see the difference between Hillary and John McCain you shouldn’t vote- you shouldn’t be allowed to vote, and I want you out of my country!

People may think I’m being a touch strident in this condemnation- but after 18 months of this election I am so tired of hearing politicians pander to the lowest common denominator. Undecided voters truly are the dumbest voting block in our country and they take center stage this time of the year. People are excited by Barack Obama because speaks to us like adults. Well the flip side to that is we need start behaving like adults. And part of behaving like an adult is paying attention to things like issues instead of whether or not the candidate wore a flag pin on his lapel while he ate a foot long hogie after playing pool in your favorite pool hall and mentioning your local city official in a stump speech. Seriously, if you people cared half as much about the constitution as you do about a symbol- maybe you wouldn’t have voted for George of the Jungle the second time around after he spent his first four years in office ass banging the founding fathers. Look alive people- this is an important election- and we aren’t voting for a fishing buddy, or for someone to read us a bedtime story- we’re voting for the next President of the United States.

Though there is one issue the McCain and Hillary do agree on, and that’s the gas tax. And if that’s the issue you’re voting on- if in the middle of a war and in a recession if the only issue you care about is who’s gave you a gas tax holiday over the summer then I say- come here. COME. HERE! I’m going to punch you in the FACE!

Ahhhhh!

I’m back.

Now back to filing in basement office. I wonder why I get so grumpy.

YES WE CAN

Opening Tonight!

Nosedive Productions Presents

A Very Nosedive Christmas Carol

A play adapted from Charles Dickens' story by James Comtois

Directed by Pete Boisvert

featuring

Rebecca Comtois ~ Stephanie Cox-Williams ~ Jessi Gotta ~ Matt Johnston

Marc Landers ~ Marsha Martinez ~ Patrick Shearer ~ Brian Silliman

Ben Trawick-Smith ~ Ben VandenBoom ~ Scott Lee Williams

The Horse Trade Red Room, 85 East 4th Street

December 6-8, 13-15, Thursday through Saturday, 11 p.m.

The Holiday Classic. Revamped for Cynics.

"An outstanding production, as measured on the Laugh Till You Cry index. Definitely worth a 10."
~ OOBR.com

"Patrick Shearer's portrayal of Scrooge is truly the best performance I have seen on off-off Broadway all year."
~ OffoffOnline.com

Due to both popular demand and the exorbitant amount of fun the company had staging it in years past, Nosedive Productions is re-helming their version of A Christmas Carol at a new venue and a new time.

Writer James Comtois and director Pete Boisvert's version of the Dickensian classic opens on the ghost of Jacob Marley lamenting his fate at having to teach Scrooge the same lesson, year after year, and of having to tell the same story to audiences year after year. The spirits haunting Scrooge have done this countless times, every Christmas, over and over again — and they're tired. So, the ghosts may be a little late this year. Hey, they have auditions to go to.

A Very Nosedive Christmas Carol will be performed at the Horse Trade Red Room, (85 East 4th Street at 2nd Ave.) December 6-8 & 13-15 (Thursday through Saturday). All shows are at 11 p.m., tickets are $18 for adults, $12 for children. 6 train to Astor Place; L train to 1st Avenue; or F, V train to 2nd Avenue Stations. For tickets call 212-352-3101 or visit TheaterMania.com .

Turkey Day Etiquette

With the holiday season on the horizon it time to go over our holiday etiquette with your friend Poopsie “Miss. Appropriate” LaRouche

Settle Your Debts before Turkey Time: Did you borrow money from any member of your family earlier this year? Forced family functions make it difficult to dodge that person- as you may be spending several days together in the same house. So plan ahead. Even if you can’t pay off the entire loan, give them something to make it appear as though you’re making the effort. No one wants to have one of those awkward moments at the dinner table where your mom stabs you in the eye with a fork while dad shoots out your knee caps.

Never Eat More Than Fatty: You all know who this person is in your family (hell maybe it’s you- in which case follow this tip and you may change your status for next year). The great thing about the holidays is overeating. Some say it the family all coming together, but we all know that’s a load of crap. This is the time of year everyone should be gorging themselves on delicious food in honor of those who conquered these lands. That being said, it’s never fun to be the one member of your family singled out for being the king or queen piggy- so the key to indulging is simple- people rarely look at the quantity of food on your plate- they mostly just count the number of helpings you take. So don’t be shy. At the first go around – pile it on. Sure you may need to go back for seconds- who doesn’t- but if your going up for fourths- folks are liable to take note. Then the next thing you know mom and dad are pulling you aside and talking to you about their concerns about your health/love life/value as a human being. But you can avoid this uncomfortable occurrence by piling it on and then going back to your seat. Then when cousin Suzy goes up for thirds you can join in on shaming them with the rest of your family as you pile on your second massive helping of mashed potatoes.

Zen and the Art of Farting at the Dinner Table: Now no one ever wants to get up from the table to fart. If your mid meal you can’t chance getting up for moment to come back and find that all of the good sausage stuffing that your cousin Vance made is gone and all you have left is tasteless stuffing made by one of the other guests. FUCK THAT! Or- say you’ve come to the end of your meal and you feel that special rumble in your stummy. Again you can’t get away from the table- first of all you’re full of turkey, and it would take a great deal of effort to stand at this point. And secondly, you’ve probably unbuttoned your pants already, which means you have to button them, stand up, walk out of the room, fart, walk all the way back into the room, sit back down, and then unbutton your pants again. Not gonna happen folks. Not. Gonna. Happen. But in order to be polite it’s best to cut the silent fart. Now everyone can spot the attempted discreet fart- the slide to one side and the slip spurt of air. Everyone knows whatthat looks like. The second someone smells it they’ll know exactly where it came from. A better maneuver is to let your napkin fall to the side slightly. The as you adjust it your given yourself the perfect opportunity to slide your hand down your pants and slide one cheek out while leaning hard on the opposite cheek, so as not to let it follow. Then simply sit normally. Your weight should allow your cheeks to remain splayed for the duration of your flatulence*. As the food may not cover the entire aromatic splendor you have just let loose on your friends and family it is best to set up a patsy- a family pet can be usefull in this endeavor, however I have found the elderly to be exceedingly helpful in this matter as well. Make sure you are seated next to the oldest person in the room at the start of the meal- and you are free to poot at anytime.

The notes on etiquette from your friend- Poopsie

Happy Holidays!

* Make sure the fart is a fart. This technique will not protect you from a pants poop, or shart. That smell will linger on you for the duration of the evening, and you will not avoid ridicule and scorn.

Guess Who's Back. Back Again. Gassy's Back. Tell A Friend.

Well I’m back like the clap! You were more than two months clean, and I here come to wreak havoc on the coming holiday season.

So after more than 2 months of blissful unemployment I have at last succumbed to my desire for income and have returned to the workforce- this time in temp form. Having worked as a temp for my first year and half in New York it’s amazing how soon all of the contempt comes flooding back. It’s like being a substitute teacher- except you’re place is in the command of the petulant children who keep on yelling at you for not doing it the way that Mrs. Montgomery does it, therefore I must be an idiot.

All day long I just want to yell, “I’m not stupid- I just DON’T CARE!”

I know, I know- this isn’t funny- just cranky. And that’s no way to ask those of you – if there are in fact any left- who may still be reading this blog. And as I can no longer offer any delightful Anferny stories your patience with me is presumably already spread thin.

So unemployment has been a lot of fun. I’ve been gorging myself on a steady diet of truly reprehensible television. I honestly believe- deep down in my heart of hearts, that VH1 is one of the harbingers of the apocalypse. Almost every show is an ouroboros. Perhaps it’s a step beyond that- it like the snake eating itself gagged on it’s own partially digested body throwing it up, only to dine on the vomit that was once it’s own flesh. Here’s an example of what I mean. Currently I have been watching I love New York 2- the second season of I Love New York. Now for those of you who don’t know- New York is not the city, but one of the contestants from Flavor of Love named Tiffany. "New York" is the nickname she was given on the first season of Flavor of Love by Flavor Flav. There were 2 seasons of Flavor of love as well. "New York" was on both of them. Flavor of Love was developed as a spin off from the show Strange Love- starring Bridgitte Nielsen and Flavor Flav, and featuring their all too brief affaire. They met on VH1’s show The Surreal Life season 3. Flavor of Love and I Love New York are all based on The Bachelor format where each episode ends with an elimination where one of the contestants is sent home while the protagonist continues their search for true love through reality television. The Surreal Life is of course VH1’s version of The Real World with has been celebrities. What’s it like to watch Tammy Fay Baker, Ron Jeremy, and Vanilla Ice all live in the same house. Throw a season of Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School and you have 8 seasons of programming based on the fact that Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen got along well on one season of their Real World parody.

Yeah- it’s a bit f’ed that I know all of that off the top of my ahead- and yes I am a little ashamed of myself for that. But when I sit down to watch one of these programs I some how find it comforting. Maybe the polar ice caps are melting, and maybe the bees are all dying, and yes, maybe this ship is going down- but when I watch VH1’s “Celeb-reality”: I think to myself, “And maybe it should.” If what comes of all of our technological advancements is you can now watch I Love New York 2 on your Ipod on the subway on your way to work, maybe it is time to shake the proverbial etch-a-sketch of civilization and start over again. So pop some popcorn and see what happen when Buddha moves back in- and what crazy antics Taylor Made is up to this week Monday at 9. VH1 brings you the end of the world in HD on your plasma screen to watch from the comfort of you home.